I knew it was going to be dangerous, but I didn’t know what form the danger would take. I accepted an assignment to work in Afghanistan as the Justice Advisor at the US Embassy/Kabul in 2008. Since my passion during the previous 15 years was in developing the rule of law in emerging democracies, primarily in former communist countries, I undertook the dangerous assignment without trepidation. I wasn’t daunted by the news of the war. Somehow, I felt the US Embassy would protect me. Perhaps I was naïve or simply preferred to wear rose-colored glasses.
After arriving at the Kabul airport, I was met by US Embassy security personnel, given a flak jacket and driven in an armored car to the US Embassy. The need for such protection didn’t diminish my sense of calm or curiosity. I was eager to work with judges and attorneys to develop the rule of law, just as I had been doing in 30 other countries. It didn’t matter where I was; it mattered what I was doing.
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Never mind there was a war going on in Afghanistan and thousands of people were being killed, including Americans. I love the unknown. In fact, the more foreign something is, the more excited I am. Afghanistan was intriguing to me, given its decade-long hippie trail. What do Kabul, Kandahar and Herat look like? How do Afghans dress, what do they eat, how do they live?
Writing this 13 years later, I’m astounded that I wasn’t afraid to work in Afghanistan. I was following my passion, but for the sake of my life? There is no wild side to me. I’m not a risk-taker. While I have progressive ideas, I lead a conservative, albeit unconventional, lifestyle.
When did I finally become worried about the danger? Not when I arrived at the US Embassy compound fortified with military defensive barriers, barbwire and bomb-sniffing dogs, nor when the Embassy covered the 10’ x 20’ shipping container in which I lived with sandbags.
Not even when I had to hide under my steel-framed single bed on my first Thanksgiving morning due to a warning that the Taliban were targeting the US Embassy. While peacefully sleeping, I was startled awake by a piercing and extremely loud alarm with an admonition by a deep-throated man yelling “Duck and Cover.” Never having heard this warning before, my heart began pounding. I didn’t know whether to run to the bomb shelter or hide under the bed. How soon would the impending attack occur? Could I make it to the bomb shelter in time? I took the warning literally and hid under my bed, on a very cold floor. After 15 minutes, I finally got the courage to pull a blanket and pillow off my bed to cushion the floor. That man’s menacing Duck and Cover warning, which I can still hear today, continued for two hours. And then it stopped.
But the threats didn’t. Throughout my stay in Afghanistan, we were often warned against impending attacks, which unfortunately always occurred in the middle of the night. I became accustomed to racing to the Embassy bomb shelter looking extraordinarily unattractive as I was afraid to take time to even comb my hair. One of my colleagues, however, became so nonchalant at these recurring warnings that she would make instant coffee and put on makeup and casual clothes before heading to the bomb shelter. We were a comical pair.
I was prohibited from walking the dangerous streets of Kabul. I never went to a store, never saw the inside of an Afghan’s home, never strolled in a park. I was escorted in armored vehicles and aircraft by armed security personnel and had to wear a flak jacket and often a helmet every time I left the US Embassy. All my photos of Kabul were taken from inside armored vehicles, often with dirty windows causing smudged images.
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I was only allowed out of the armored vehicle after entering a government, military or civilian compound to attend meetings. Afghans and international personnel worked and lived in compounds, buildings that were protected by defensive walls and gates with secure entrances, often guarded with armed personnel.
It was not until my last week in Afghanistan that I became irrationally fearful. I couldn’t bear to think that I had survived 20 months in Afghanistan and would suffer a fatal blow just before departing. Swimming in the Embassy pool, an early morning contemplative ritual, caused me great distress the last week. I was worried about overhead planes, certain a bomb would be dropped on the pool. A ridiculous concern.
Crossing through the ubiquitous checkpoints in the diplomatic area, which I blasély encountered for 20 months, suddenly became frightful experiences. Could the Afghan security guards be trusted? There had been stories of errant Afghan guards turning on foreigners. Was I going to be the next victim?
The fear was excruciating the day I was driven to the airport for my flight home. Even though it was a 15-minute drive, I could barely breathe, worrying about every car on the heavily-trafficked streets of Kabul. The route from the US Embassy to the Kabul airport was well-known, particularly to the Taliban. Was one of these cars filled with Taliban intent on killing an American?
Even after I arrived at the airport surrounded by fierce security, I was frightened. That didn’t end when I got on the plane. The takeoff scared me, as aircrafts can be easy targets. It was not until the plane reached a cruising, unreachable altitude that I began to breathe again.
The danger was over, but not my discomfort. I wanted to celebrate that I made it out alive. No such luck flying on an Afghan airplane. Wine was forbidden.
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Mary Noel Pepys is a senior attorney with a specialization in the rule of law, specifically international legal and judicial reform, and corruption within the judiciary. Since 1993 she has helped emerging democracies develop justice systems that ensure the protection of citizens’ human rights, equal treatment of all individuals before the law, and a predictable legal structure with fair, transparent and effective government institutions. Mary Noel has worked in over 45 countries, lived five years in six former communist countries, and 20 months in Afghanistan as the Justice Advisor for the Bureau of International Narcotics and Law Enforcement of the U.S. Department of State. While in Afghanistan, Mary Noel focused on strengthening the criminal justice system and the correctional system.